TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically noted for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be large. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed in the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of position. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let us have One more put exactly where American Males can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer you everyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into Trump Tower Damascus gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he should really cease using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a attribute remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after getting the developing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not merely hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting awareness from Intercontinental traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage can even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have turn-down services."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave it all a few. You happen to be welcome."

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